Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Lovely Little Liar

I sit here this morning with a heavy heart.  My beautiful little girl who is 7, lied to my face today.....again.  I feel betrayed as if it was a personal attack on me. On my moral compass.  In addition to the act of lying, then I have the horrid guilt of her having to start her school day off with yelling and a lecture AND a warning that I will have to spank her butt when she gets home.

Let's back up a little.  I am overly moral.  I know you all are shaking your head saying "oh this is a good thing.  One can't be too moral".  Yes they can trust me.  I don't know WHY I am this way but I am.  It is extreme.  One of my ex boyfriends loves to call me the moral police.  Now, couple this with a hot temper and the uncanny ability of being able to argue well.  Now, wanna rethink being overly moral is ok?  Fine here is an example:  my ex boyfriend had some pain medication.  He also had a roommate who helped herself to it and finished off several bottles of it without 1.  needing it and 2. ever asking permission.  So what do I do? I started an argument with him about how she was a THIEF.  I mean we argued about it.  I argued my case in multiple ways.  I believed she should have been banished from his house.  How dare her take advantage of him, he needed those pain meds (surgery).  Needless to say we didn't speak for awhile.

Now fast forward.  I do not lie...ever.  Not to save my butt, get out of a tough situation, avoid an argument.  Never.  Well ok I will tell a WHITE lie when it comes to someones cooking.  I cannot stand to hurt someones feelings on PURPOSE gees!  I try to avoid it by saying something positive like "oh I loved that you used garlic in this dish" haha!  So when the child I was in labor with for 24 hours lies to my face....when I catch her red handed after she dumped her chocolate soy milk with her medicine down the drain and she tried to wipe up the evidence...when this pretty little girl whom I would jump in front of a bus for lies to my face...I tend to take it a little hard.  What have I done wrong?  Is it too late? Where did she get this from? I thought kids learned by example damit! Who told me that? They. Were. Wrong.

I have tried everything to help my child see that lying will bring no good to the human race.  I have yelled.  I have lectured.  I have calmly explained that lying will only cause her friends to not like her nor trust her.  I have punished, taken away prized babies, grounded.  NOTHING IS WORKING!  Today, I told my child I was ashamed of her.  My heart sunk when I said those words.  I could literally feel my heart in my stomach.  Then I told her no ipod for one week, no tv for two days and she will get a spanking when she gets home.  The worst part of all of this?  The utter GUILT I felt for my baby having to start her day off like this.  Kills me even as I am writing this.  Of course I told her how much mommy still loves her no matter what as she left the car.

Another very important factor in all of this - I HATE spanking.  Despise it.  Swore I would never do it unless it was something extreme like playing with matches.  I was spanked with everything you can think of as a child:  wooden spoons, fly swatters, shoes, brushes, boy you name it.  At my age, I think we all got spanked with things back then huh? Go get a switch off the tree type of thing lol.  I, however, swore that I never would unless absolutely necessary.  I would not continue the pattern of whacking my child for every minor offense in life.  And for the most part I have lived up to that.  I have had to spank her when all other things have failed.  I must admit I spanked out of anger twice I believe.  I try extremely hard to not ever spank out of anger.  99% of the time I spank, I explain why and swat only on the butt and only 2 or 3 swats.  NOW my little girl will start crying and telling me "mama don't do it you know you hate spanking me and it will only break your heart and make you cry".  Clever little thing huh?  She is right.  She has seen me cry after spanking her.  I told you I hated it and rarely do it.  All my friends think I should be spanking all the time.  No.  No no.

If anyone out there has any ideas on the whole lying thing, please let me know.  I've read her books on this as well.  Nothing is sticking people. She see's a counselor as well for the stress of me being sick. This is obviously top priority so the whole lying thing hasn't really been addressed with him.  I need some real life suggestions. I know kids lie but I am failing.  I am obviously not teaching her to not lie.


  1. Hey Kelli~ They say "if you read up on it"...that children usually lie out of fear when they are as young as 7~~~~maybe instead of instantly getting "pissed"....gently sit down and talk to her about why she is doing this...let her know it is ok to come to you and talk to you about this. Her little brain does not think of a lie as a "moral" thing as we adults do...ya know? Maybe she can feel that you want the same type of "perfection" as you expect out of yourself...for her, too! And, she does not how to go about it at a young age and she doesn't want to dissapoint, she lies to you. (her brain isn't developed enuf to know you are smarter then her and can tell when she is making up a story)....there fore....she makes something up becuz she does not want to see Mommy upset and face the spanking and such. I read on Dr James Dobsen...have you heard of him...very good! Well, he feels you should never send your child off for the day...knowing they will be getting punished when they get home. He said using reverse physcology works the calm and tell them when you two have time to sit down and visit...that you want to know why she if feeling like she needs to lie to you? Why can she not come to you and tell you about this? What is she fearing? Maybe the thing with the medicine...try thinking of another way that it may taste better for her to take it??? Watch her take it and make a fun game out of it...where it turns into something fun...instead of something "dreaded"! She is a smart little girl, yes...but, she is really not fully able to comprehend the whole "moral" thing like we do....and maybe you have been lied to so many hurtful times in your past...that you have put alot of emphasis on lying and it is all backfiring for you??? I am just giving you some tools to work with...and go from there....anger never works great in any situation...(even though it is hard not to explode)....but, she is only 7 and I think she will out grow this...she needs to know it is ok for her to come to you with the truth and you will calmly listen and work on things together. You are a great MOM, not be so hard on yourself or her. Try a different approach and see if this works for you. I love ya, girl! Hang in there! I hope some of these suggestions have helped you in some way....((HUGS)) to you and Jaylen.....:o)

  2. Hey girl...thanks for the comment. Normally, I don't instantly get pissed. This has been a gradual thing for probably at least 6 months with her lying. NOW its to a point I cannot and will not tolerate it anymore. It has gotten THAT bad. I have tried everything. I have sat her down and explained to her that if she lies people will not trust her anymore, she said she didn't care. If she lies she will lose friends, all the consequences of lying. Didn't matter to her. She has experienced first hand the consequence of her lying to me multiple times when I tell her I don't believe her about something she will say "because I lie so much". My boss even came up with the idea to tell her she has an good angel and bad angel on her should and EVERYONE hears the bad angel too even grown ups. It's her job to listen to the good angel. It worked for about 2 days. The medicine is for severe constipation so its a powder that completely dissolves in liquid. The problem was she doesn't like this brand of soy milk. Ok no problem but unfortunately it had her medicine in it and she needed to choke it down bottom line. I would never make her drink it again but it had to be done. She simply didn't want too. The lie came because she directly disobeyed me and was trying to clean up the evidence so she wouldn't get in trouble. She knew what she was doin girl, she's a smart cookie this kid :) You are right, she doesn't make the moral connection yet. I didn't lie like this as a kid, I would have gotten beat with anything in reach. I am trying my best and feeling like a total failure about this lying thing :( thank you for your kind words. BTW, she never got a spanking. Just couldn't do it, I know you can't wait an entire day. Sigh. This too shall pass. Love ya girl

  3. Hey Kelli girl~ This is your blog "stocker" checking in on you....I wanted you to know I am praying for you on your upcoming app't. I sure hope and pray this brings you some answers....I know you have been thru the "ringer"! I was wondering what day this was? Please keep me posted as I really care about you so much! I am praying for little Jaylen (who is to cute for words)....that this lying phase will "phase" out~~~~:o) It has to be very frustrating to know why she is doing this??? I do hope you do not feel like you are failing her becuz I can tell you are such a great Mommy! I do not have any, I can't imagine having to play all those mind games in your head as to what your are doing right and wrong!!! Parenting has to be one of the hardest jobs....all you can do is your best and pray to God to help guide you and watch over her. I wish I could go with you to your app't for support...I am thankful your Mom is going with you! How have things been going with you and her? I am thankful your family can see how you have suffered with all these health issues and it was not "all in your head"! You are a strong lady and I can not wait to hear how things go with this app't! How far is it from your home...the hospital? Just wanted to say...have safe travels if it is a way to go! Remember you have lots of people praying for you, Kelli! God Bless You! Love ya! Keep the faith, girl! ((Hugs))