Monday, January 24, 2011

Well, it's a doosie

I have been absent for a minute now and thought it may be a tad therapeutic to blog.  I did, after all, start this blog for a journal of sorts.  A way to get all my antics on paper (or screen if you will), share my recipes with perceived secret admirers and a brag box about my baby.  And lets face it, it's a whole lot less expensive than a therapist.

So, today is Monday.  I just got home from National Jewish Hospital on Saturday.  I've had a whole two days to let it sink in that I have a lung disease.  A very rare, life threatening lung disease.  I could go on living my life as if I had never been told this news.  That is what I would normally do, honestly.  Ahhh, but one thing.  This:

My dorky lil sassafrass.  Ok ok this picture isn't exactly NEW but look at her face! How can I go on living life, not protecting myself when I have this every day?  So now the question do I change our lives drastically, yet live like we are normals? Normals would be ya'll with no health issues :)

I was told in Colorado that I cannot get sick.  I cannot be around sick people.  Period.  If I get the flu and it goes to my lungs, it could be life threatening.  Any illness that decides to move to my lungs, could be life threatening.  Crazy huh? So I have a malfunctioning immune system already due to the Common Variable Immune Deficiency and you tell me not to get sick? Ok.  Then you tell me I can no longer help out in my childs classroom...ever.  I've already had a couple people tell me it's no big deal, it's not the end of the world. They are right.  But it was a big deal to Jalen and I.  When you are a single parent, those moments are HUGE to a child.  Obviously my daughter doesn't know the whole story.  Just that mama cannot get sick and I need her to do her job and use hand sanitizer and sneeze in her elbow.

Work is still the unknown...I decided to make an appointment with my family doctor for tomorrow.  I trust him.  He will tell me if I should or should not go back to work, how long, etc.  He has known me the longest, been with me since before the CVID diagnosis.  Here's the thing...who am I without a job? I used to think I had a good portfolio.  I had a banging job, own my own home, independent, strong, blah blah blah.  Now? I feel....sort of worthless.  More burdensome than having a single thing to offer another human being.  Sad isn't it? But, today that is how I feel.  I am just a mom. Thats it.  And not even doing that well now.  I even told my ex boyfriend when he called to check on me, I am on effin oxygen, I am going to be single the rest of my life!  Sitting here typing this and re-reading it...I can't breathe.  The thought of losing it all is taking my breath away.  I worked so dam hard to get where I am today, to be told in the blink of an eye, everything I worked for is going to go away.  My good credit, because I will likely have to file bankruptcy.  My good reputation because now I am likely going to be on disability.  My "look what I have to offer" because I am chronically ill, who would want me.

You know what it boils down to? P.R.I.D.E.  It's true.  God gave me these things and is now allowing them to be taken away.  I have no idea why but I do realize it is a pride issue right? I mean, I will still have a home and still wake up every day, God what else could it be besides pride? Man either that or I am being punished, tested, something.  I haven't figured it ALL out yet.  Maybe its a little of all of them.  Pride, punished, tested...they all suck really.  I WILL figure it out.  I have to.  I have something in this world way more important than me and she is only 7.  I won't go on acting like nothing is wrong.  I will be safe, stay out of crowds and try my hardest to not get sick.  I will figure out a way to make this new diagnosis..workable.  I'm just not sure how yet.


  1. My dear friend~ What a beautiful post! I hope you know what a gift you have in writing? I love the picture of Jalen...and I love how much you love this little doll face. Keep writing and journaling your experiences...I think a book on this is on the way! I know you know how much I think of you and am so happy we have become friends thru DS. I am here for you whenever you need a friend, ok? And, as always my prayers continue on for you. Hold on to your are a amazing strong lady! Big ((HUGS)) to you and Jalen! Love and God bless! Love ya~Tory

  2. Thinking of you and you remain in my prayers.

    Hugs, God bless