Saturday, September 18, 2010

Living Hell

First off, I want to apologize (in case anyone I know is actually reading this lol).  I have been a SUPER FREAK for about 3 weeks now.  Why you ask?  I was given ANOTHER friggen diagnosis.  Fibromyalgia.  I was on a horrible drug that I cannot tolerate that I am now weaning off of.

I am in complete denial.  One human being CANNOT possibly live with 3 diseases, be a successful single parent, work and go to school.  Well, I actually postponed school a little bit AGAIN (sniff sniff).  I emailed all my doctors and demanded they put their smarty pants on and think of something else to test me for as the other 20 tests all came back negative.  So did the 3 new ones my pulmo thought to test me for.  Crap.  So I reluctantly join a fibro support group on Daily Strength and thank God I did.  As with my CVID group, they  welcomed me home, shared their personal horrors, gave me advice and invisible hugs.  I was also told that being diagnosed with a serious illness is like experiencing a death.  Why? I was ecstatic when I was diagnosed with CVID - I had an answer!  I was definitely going through the stages though, I am in the denial um STILL.  Soon to be anger and isolation and hopefully acceptance.

Some of my closest friends do not even know I have this.  I feel like I am burdening my friends when I speak to them about it.  I know they love me and would listen.  They have a life, family, jobs, children.  I don't want to be a burden.  I want ME back, the ME that makes them laugh when THEY call me stressed out.  The ME that teaches my friends how to cook.  The ME that kept my house clean and NEVER cussed in front of my child.

I don't know what is going to happen.  I tried one of the meds and I turned into a psycho, literally cursed out one of my doctors.  It took me 3 weeks to realize what it was.  I will not try anymore as all the fibro drugs are antidepressants.  I have never been able to tolerate them.  I personally think, if you are not depressed or do not have a chemical imbalance they should react weirdly right? Or is that just more of my overly-logical thinking?

My biggest fear in life right now (since I probably will never post this on my facebook) is that I will have to go on disability.  I love the company I work for.  I have a really good job working in the office of the VP and helping some of the other leaders.  My direct supervisor is amazing, like a second mom.  If I have to go on disability, who am I?  I feel as if I will have NO worth.  What do I tell people when they ask "what do you do"? UM NOTHING? I'm 39, a single mom with multiple illnesses, who wants that in their life?

1 comment:

  1. Kelli...I am just reading this for the first time today...12/11...very good READ! I love the honesty and truth in what you write! I know God has a plan for you....keep the faith! XO